"Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. be thankful for the hard times they can only make you stronger!" Unknown
My name is Amanda Darker and I believe that everything happens for a reason, that we were put on the path we are on for a reason, and that there is someone special out there for everyone! I married my best friend in the middle of the most difficult and trying years of our relationship and not only did it make our relationship stronger but it gave me a million and one more reasons to love John even more then I already did.
I'll briefly go over a bit of our past and that will bring us to today and why its so important! :)
In February 2011 John's dad, Rob, was given the news that the cancer that had been in remission for the past 7 years was back and they needed to start treatment right away. John and I at that point had been together for almost 4 years and I had never felt so lost and helpless in our relationship before. Seeing John so hurt and broken made me feel so lost and alone cause there was nothing I could do to help him. All I could do was be there to listen when he needed me and let him know that I loved him and was there no matter what, never knowing if that even helped. I hoped and prayed that no matter what John's dad would be there to see us get married I knew that it meant a lot to John and its all I wanted! May 21st 2011 John and I got married in Oyama BC with his dad in attendance! :)
Pictures by: Candid Apple Photography
After we got married we decided not to go on a honeymoon because we didn't want to be gone in case something happened to his dad. But in August we went to Arizona with John's whole family just to spend some quality time together. John's youngest brother Stephen was also leaving to Utah at the end of the trip to go on his mission for two years. Going to Arizona in August is probably the most ridicules thing I have ever heard of. The heat was beyond hot I definitely needed my SPF 100 that's for sure! But the fun we had and the memories we made were more then worth it and I wouldn't change anything about our trip and the time we got to spend with Rob!
John and I purchased and moved into our first home Sept 9th when we got home for Arizona!! Life seem to be lining up pretty perfectly and I couldn't have asked for anything more then what I had! That feeling all came crashing down the morning of Sept 25th 2011. John's mom called us at 4am and told us it was time and that we needed to go up to the hospital. We stayed at the hospital with the family for quite a few hours till Rob passed away. I had never lost anyone really close to me before but I know now that I don't ever want to experience that pain and hurt ever again. I honestly don't even know what was worse watching people I loved so much lose their dad and someone so important to them and knowing how much they were probably hurting or actually loosing Rob. John's family means the world to me and have been there for me through so much when my family couldn't be that watching them hurt so much made me hurt soo much too. We lost an amazing father, husband, son and friend that day and he will forever have a place in all of our hearts.
"A mother is not defined by the number of children you see but the love she holds in her heart" Unknown
John and I had not been actively trying (but not preventing) to have a baby but we both knew that once we had a home we wanted to have a baby. But with what we had been going through having a baby was the last thing we were focusing on. In March of 2012, when life finally seemed to be getting back to normal a bit I found out that John and I were pregnant!!! Something I had been waiting for my whole life! we were both so happy and for what felt like the first time in years I saw John smile again, not a forced smile but the smile I fell in love with 5 years ago when I met him. Our joy and excitement was to much to contain we told our friends and family right away! May 2012 that all changed. I had an ultrasound only to find out that I had a blighted ovum. For those wanting to know what that is it is when your body thinks your pregnant but the sac that should hold the baby is empty. So I had been experiencing everything as if I was pregnant but I actually wasn't. I opted out of a D&C and waited for my body to deal with things on their own. I spent our first wedding Anniversary have a miscarriage of what should have been our first baby. :(
I don't think I had ever felt so broken in my life. The love I had already felt and the joy I had in my heart to grow a belly and care for this baby had just been ripped out of my heart and it felt like someone was crushing it all. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a baby yet or maybe John and I still had healing to do since loosing Rob. I don't know what the reason. But baby or no baby going through a miscarriage and feeling all the feelings that come with it is something that I hope no one I know, or anyone else, ever has to experience.
The months after my miscarriage were hard and I try to block them out. John says I became crazy tracking my cycle and trying so hard to get pregnant "it should be something that just happens" or "stop stressing about it and it will happen" was all I heard from him and everyone else I knew. Ummmm I'm sorry but NO!!!! I don't care what you think or have to say until you go through actually trying to have a baby because you really want one you have NO IDEA what its like. Month after month disappointed over and over again. Feeling like your body is letting you down. The one thing woman were put here to do and I am not able to do it. I felt like my body was failing me, like I was failing John not being able to get pregnant. I felt physically broken.
BUT...
Do you see this... John and I are finally given the opportunity to embrace this journey again!!!
I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm EXCITED!! Beyond excited I should probably add!!
We found out on Valentines day, BEST valentines day ever!! Estimated due date Oct 19th, 2013 just 3 days after my 25th Birthday. By far the best birthday present ever!! :D
We haven't told anyone and plan to keep it that way till I feel baby is nice and settled in my tummy and ready to stay that way for 9 months!! We go for our first ultrasound on Monday and I am so nervous but so hopeful to see a growing baby and heartbeat!! I will be 6wks 2days and many say that is early but I know in my heart that I will see a nice healthy baby in there and a good healthy heartbeat! Fingers toes and legs (for now :P) are crossed!!!
Current Symptoms:
Tired- Or should I say beyond tired. I think if I laid down pretty much anywhere I would be able to fall asleep!
Restlessness- Although I am sooo tired sleeping seems near next to impossible. I toss and turn all night and wake up multiple times to go to the washroom or cause I am hungry. Currently trying to eat a snack high in protein before bed to prevent myself from eating a 3am meal!
Nausea- Oh yeah that wonderful thing that I oh so wanted with my first pregnancy but never had. Oh its hear and it hits every night around 8pm like clock work!
Sore Boobs- Oh yeah sooo sore it hurts to walk up and down the stairs!
And the newest addition...
Vivid Dreams- This one was not surprising as it was one of the only symptoms I had last time so I have been waiting for it. I should probably add that they are by far the weirdest dreams I have ever had!
Will keep you posted! :D
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